This was more than just another decade

This was the #metoo decade

By Tatiana Prophet

A change of mood is in the actual air. There’s a heaviness, a division; but there is also something else: hope. You may laugh. But this is not a Pollyanna proclamation.

The seminal event has already happened. And lucky for us, if we can figure out how to sustain and preserve life on this planet, the consequences of the exposure of America’s sexual predators will reverberate until well after the year 2100.

So perhaps we should call it the Me Too Century. Not that any one issue is that important. But because #MeToo affects our culture at its most profound levels, it can be seen as the catalyst for the biggest sea change since 1865.

Women not only have equal rights, we have equal application of those rights. No more non-disclosure agreements, no more cover-ups, no more excuses and nowhere to hide. This is a feminist’s wet dream, and we don’t even know it.

We’re so off-balance by the plummet of our latest idol that we don’t even realize the implications of what Tarana Burke created when she created the #metoo movement. Before you stop reading, let me say this column is for everyone – men, women and nonconforming gender.

That is because of one truth: Empathy is a panacea, and as we practice it, as we feel it, I predict that we will have more fun, more meaning and more fulfillment than ever before – every single one of us.

And this time, we have a real shot at making the change permanent. We are wise to those who would use workarounds to evade the law, such as state-created Jim Crow laws banning African Americans from holding public office, or voting rights infringement, such as setting up working people with difficult hours to vote.

No, we must seize this moment and we must make sure that badly behaved men (and women) have no quarter. America is no longer asleep; we have learned that cover-ups are an actual psychic sea where we have been swimming, unawares.

Seemingly endless cover-ups. The uber-wealthy are above the law. And even when we’re talking about crimes of the elite other than sexual, it was the #metoo movement that opened our eyes. What I’ve observed the most when it comes to sexual misconduct is that people are hurting. They are hurting from their past. Often, their past was traumatic. Sometimes, unbearably so. Early on, victims have a fork in the road: become a predator, or seek a numbing agent to block out the trauma, and an endless struggle for the rest of their lives to forget. If we didn’t go through it, we know many people who have.

Some men, for instance, are thanking their lucky stars that very few people know that the girl they bedded when they were already out of college was a 15-year-old sophomore in high school. And that alcohol had often played a part. That gray area between childhood and adult has been the cause of misfortune for many men and women. What should we be hopeful about, then?

We should be hopeful because we are no longer in the dark. We are able to unite — men and women. And most important of all, we are able to understand that our entire society is a little bit sick. And we need some healing. Empathy is the key. If you’re repulsed by sexual misconduct, try to understand the issue – almost every time, someone was sexually abused as a child before they became a predator.

If we know that this person is stuck in childhood, perhaps even to the point of dissociating, and through early alcohol and cannabis use, their emotional maturity is also stuck – for some of us, it’s stuck in middle school. And breathe. Lots. And know that our entire culture was different a mere 50 years ago. Yes, as the year changes to 2020, the year 1970 has taken its place as 50 years ago.

The sexual revolution promised the world to us, promised that we can have it all with zero consequences. But instead of encouraging the emotional health of both men and women, the movement created a divide, and we became adversaries – so much so that many of us associate feminism with hostility toward men.

So what is good for a woman? Obviously, to not be sexually assaulted or harassed. What else? The freedom to make the choice to have a child and still be able to finish school, on time, and keep their jobs. How is that achieved, without backdoor reversals?

The only way is through empathy. Tired of old white men interfering with your reproductive health choices? You can either get in their face, or you can persuade them. And the only way to persuade them is to cultivate empathy yourself. Figure out, why and how could these “awful” men have the opinions that they do? How did they come to those opinions? Is there anything they are ignorant of, that you feel they should know?

The only way to find that out is through respect. And that means not even having to get emotional because you’re actually curious about the other person and why they are the way they are. What makes them tick? Notice: If someone has the effect of bringing back trauma and fear, do NOT talk to them.

This column does not recommend anything that feels uncomfortable. Rather, the cultivation of empathy is not a hurried process; it’s organic, and comes with self-care. The care of the self and of that beautiful child you once were. Happy New Year to all, and may the 2020s increase our vision, our empathy – and thereby our well-deserved respect.